I had loved a guy before I can also say until now, that was long ago, that was elementary, high school? All I know that my world that time was all aglow because of him but then it turns to heartaches. The story goes like this:

I had this friend since grade 3 which is beauty. I never thought she had a cousin that many of women go like “gaga” over him. I still remember we were grade 6 my classmate named Joan told us that beauty had a very handsome cousin. So we went to beauty’s house to check that guy but when I saw him (He was wearing maong pants, white t-shirt and white cup) I just said “Hindi naman gwapo ah! Ang pangit niya”. He looked at me with some kinda angry eyes. Then I just ignored and he played this song which is I didn’t expect that will be my theme song in the future, the song was Movin’ On by INOJ. We sang the lyrics “you really hurt me, I spend all my days and nights trying to be a good friend to you… blah blah”.

March 23, 1999 around 4pm while playing video games in a store in our village I saw this guy wearing white sleeveless shirt and red short pan (which is my favorite colors) I was amazed of his beauty, I thought he was a new gal in our village. I keep on asking to my childhood friends the name of that gal and guess what “JD NUQUI”. You know who he is? Cousin of beauty. Ang lalaki na sinabihan ko na PANGIT!.My Gas! Bugas! Hehehe.. Hindi ako naniwala at first until I confronted him asking if he really JD Nuqui and he said “YES”. I asked also if he was the cousin of beauty and he said “YES”. I throw him a plastic smile and said “OK” and I turned around saying “NAKU PO!”. And then the heartaches are now starting.

Wherever he goes I was there. I always watch “liga” that time in our village for fiesta because he was a player. My mom always fetches me in the court with “pamalo” as in grabe! Super takbo talaga beauty ko noon. Hide and Seek talaga kami ng mama ko kasi papaluin talaga ako in front of many people. Wala akong ibang inatupag noon kundi ang Makita lang siya. I don’t care about the people, don’t care about my mom, don’t care about the time all I care was only HIM. Until the time came that I was easily fallin love with him. He done nothing to me but I don’t know why I was in love it is because he was a good looking guy?! I don’t know. You know so young 12 years old, sip-onon pa kayo ko yagit pa jud pastilan!, puppy love was present at that age but for me I don’t think that was puppy love because I faced a lot of heartaches. I know I was in love, my mind was full of fantasies *sigh*.

Years past I heard a lot about him na ganito may gf siya na si ganyan na si ganito eh ako manhid ignore lang. Until I felt that I loved him more than of myself, my family and my friends. He was a member of Masao Team and I always saw him everywhere kaya pala hindi siya pumapasok. Super duper BUGOY siya na lalaki. He spends his tuition just for a beer for his friends. 3^rd yr high school he transferred in our school, I was 4^th yr that time. Dito na talaga nagsimula lahat ng katangahan ko. I joined his group Masao Team, I know there are not a good friends but I just ignore the bad influence people. I just joined there just to see him more often. I thought magiging happy na ako kung sumali ako don kasi nga lagi ko na siyang nakikita pero I was wrong. Ang daming pahiya, sakit, katangahan etc. (Eh iba talaga ako mainlove eh hahamakin ang lahat hehehe. Kaya nga ayokong mainlove kasi nakakapagod, kaila najud ko sako srili pagmainlove bah labad!) May girlfriend siya don si Judy Jane napakasakit na nakikita ko sila na super sweet. Tinitignan ko lang sila, kung may tagay ang barkada nakaupo lang ako habang ang puso ko ay nadudurog na. I just wish that time that he loved me too the way I loved him. HE WAS MY FIRST LOVE. Ginagawa ko lahat ng pinagagawa niya. Taga hawak ng bag niya, maging bridge sa isang babaeng gusto niya kaso nga lang nabusted siya at ako sinisi niya. Sabi ko noon “wala tayong magagawa hindi ka niya type ang presko mo daw kasi” alam mo kung ano sagot niya “kaya hindi ako sinagot non kasi sinisiraan mo ako sa kanya kasi mahal mo ako” and I just said “hindi totoo yun ah”. So simple but so hurt. I walked home that time crying. Crying and crying non-stop crying. Asking myself why I was Dumped for so long?!.

I still remember pag absent siya ako ang pinapatawag sa teacher kung san na daw siya. Aba malay ko hindi naman niya ako ate noh. Hindi kasi siya pumapasok non lakwatshero kasi. Pati mama niya saken nagtatanong kung pumasok ba siya o hindi. Hindi ko rin alam kung anong isasagot kung “OO” napaka liar ko naman. Kung “hindi” magagalit saken ang engot na yun. Minsan nga nasabi ko na “hindi” nagalit saken si JD ako daw nagsusumbong sa mama niya na hindi siya pumapasok. Minsan nasabi ng classmate ko sa kanya na may gusto ako sa kanya he just replied “OK”. He knows that I love him but it came from my friends not in my own mouth. Lahat na siguro ng tao alam na gusto ko siya kasi pati mga kuya ni beauty, mama ni beauty, mga barkada niya sa village namin alam nila at minsan tinutukso nila ako. Nakakahiya pero wala akong magawa. Remember ko pa nong 14 birthday niya June 18, 2001 binigyan ko siya ng gift which is perfume and an angel. Napakatalinghaga ko talaga noon grabe! I just keep on Pretending na wala akong gusto sa kanya pero I know napaka obvios na. Sinabi pa nga niya sa isa kung friend na “hindi ko gusto si amie kung ligawan ko man siya na wala akong gusto sa kanya baga magalit ka sa akin. Don’t worry kung mag-open na heart ko for her kaw unang taong makakaalam”. Ang sakit super! Ang daming pang masakit na nagyari pero di ko na isulat lahat. I had a lot of crushes in school even outside but I just had one love. Ang daming nanligaw saken pro ni isa wala akong sinagot dahil siya lang ang hinintay ko. Pero wala talaga kahit puputi pa ang uwak wala talaga.. I’ve waited so long! I don’t wanna WAIT IN VAIN for his love.. Naaawa na mga friend ko saken lagi nalang daw akong umiiyak. PAg dadaan siya sa classroom namin embes na makilig o ma happy ako iiyak lang akong bigla ewan ko kung bakit iba ako sa lahat ng tao na nagkakagusto. Minsan sila na yung naghahanap ng ka date para sa akin pero hindi talaga ako interesado.

Everynight before I go to sleep I think of him and then my tears starts falling. Every morning when I woke up he is the 1^st person na naaalala ko and my tears nanaman starts falling. I just keep on praying to God that my love for him will fade away, I don’t ask for more I just want my love will gone cause I know he will not love me whatever I do. I was a GREAT PRETENDER. I made so many poems about my love for him, my pain etc. I made also a Diary that was all about the day with him.(natatawa ako pag binabasa ko ngayon). And I love so many love songs that related to me. The movin’ on by inoj, kasalan ko ba, bakit nga ba mahal kita, dahil mahal na mahal kita, kung ok lang sayo by truefaith, hindi na bale, I go crazy by paul davis etc. I want to quit because I can’t carry anymore the pain that he gave me. So I promise to myself “pag-gragraduate ako ng high school. Hindi na talaga ako magmamahal ng isa. Hindi na ako magstick to one kasi nakakapagod ang ganito. Kung makatungtong lang ako ng college alam ko makakalimutan ko siya.” . Im a loyal person pero pinaninindigan ko ang promise ko.

When I was college I tried my best to get him out of my head and I just did. I enjoyed my life. I became wild, a happy go lucky girl, a playgirl, 2, 3, 4 boyfriends at the same time hahay so fuckin’ crazy. I meet a lot of guys and almost lahat ng natitipuhan kung lalaki ay nagiging bf ko. Sayang nga lang pinapangarap ko pa naman noon na ang first bf ko should be romantic, and my first kiss should be the deserving guy. Pero wala! First kiss ko? Hmmm STUPID! First boyfriend ko?! IDIOT!. But I can say Im still virgin. I used my head, I never follow my heart kasi alam ko pag puso sinunod mo mapapahamak ka talaga at hindi ko pinapairal ang Lust ko. Day before 1 month ang pinakamatagal na relationship and 1 day ang pinakamababa. No serious boyfriend. Kung mulampas ug 1 month ang relationship, huh inlove najud ko ana. I made a lot of issue, tsismis, criticisms, lahat na siguro ng negative pero wala akong pakialam hindi nila ako kilala. THEY DON’T KNOW ME, THEY DON’T KNOW THE REAL AMIE. If they try to know me deeply I’m opposite for what I act outside. They say I’m funny, joker, talkative etc. pilosopa, palaban, mataray ek-ek but behind all those laughter there’s a tears bind. PERO PATAGO AKO PAG UMIYAK AT PATAGO KUNG MASAKTAN. . Happy people are the one who has many heartaches and problems. Kinaya ko lahat ng issue, I just laugh out loud about it. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON… WHILE YOUNG ENJOY yan ang alam ko. Try mo lahat ng kalokohan sa mundo para kung matanda ka na sawa ka na, pagod, at magdedesisyon ka na na magseryoso. Kesa naman sa matino ka nga na tao noon pero kung saan namn kelangan mo maging matino don ka pa nagbubulakbol. Kelan ka pa gagawa ng kalokohan, kelan ka pa mag eenjoy kung matanda ka na?! naku delikado yan!. Habang bata pa try mo lahat wag lang (drugs and sex) kayo kung gusto niyo nasa inyo yan. But I end up nothing, unhappy. Hindi ko na kilala sarili ko. Alam ko hindi ako ganito. I’m not like this before.

Sinisi ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa akin kay JD alam ko wala siyang kasalanan o ginawang masama sa akin ako naman tong nagmahal sa kanya kasalan ba niya kung naging ganito ako dahil sa kanya.?! Kasalanan ko rin ba kung minahal ko siya?! Tama nga yung sinabi nila ANYONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BY DOING SOMETHING, BUT ONLY SOMEONE SPECIAL CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING. Alam ko sa kanya lang ako liligaya. Ewan ko san to patutungo, lagi ko siyang nakikita kahit saan. Kapitbahay pa kami, ang liit lang ng mundong ginagalawan namin. I’m afraid to love again because I know myself kung pano mainlove.

I search for a guy who will fill this emptiness, a guy who will love me as I am, a guy who will accept me for who and what I am, but my searching was over. I’M SEEKING TIRED. Bakit ganun kung sinong ayaw mo yun ang may gusto sayo, kung sino naman yung ayaw sayo yun ang gusto mo! Nakakalito!. Basta wish ko lang masabi ko lahat ng nasa loob ko simula noon pa. Hindi ko na pinangarap na maging kami coz wala na talagang pag-asa. I just want to express them all kasi parang puputok na talaga ang bombang tinatago ko!!!!

“When I lost you, I was the one who love you most, but between us, you lost more.. For someday I can love someone the way I loved you.. But you will never be loved again the way I did”